Secrets of the Heart
by Padfootwolfboy
Summary: Longish story of R/S slash fluff. Yep! Remus wishes to tell Sirius something but can't quite get the guts to tell him. Sirius is in clueless-ville, and Remus gets a strange note annoymously. Will they work it out? Of course, but read anyway! Please R&R.
1. Desperate Messages

Disclaimer: You know the drill. Sing along. These characters are whose? (_J.K. Rowling's!_) And am I claming them as my own? (_No!_) And who is the best writer on Earth? (_::silence:_:) ::Pointed look:: Fine fine! But the plot's mine, characters and all Harry Potter related things are hers.

"Secrets of the Heart"

By

Padfootwolfboy

_"We never say so much as when we do not quite know what we want to say. We need few words when we have something to say, but all the words in all the dictionaries will not suffice when we have nothing to say and want desperately to say it."_

_—Eric Hoffer_

Chapter One: Desperate Messages 

"**S**irius—" Remus Lupin began desperately. He ran his long, slender fingers through his sweaty tufts of cinnamon and golden-streaked hair, a habit he had developed when he was stressed. He swallowed hard, trying to wet his sticky mouth that had suddenly gone exceedingly dry in the intense summer night heat. "S-Sirius…" He began again; with no more luck than the first time he had said the name. He cleared his throat, took a deep breath, and settled himself on getting the words out of his throat in his next attempt. His determination was set as if his life deepened on it, and some of it actually did. 

"Sirius," he stated with a calmness and steadiness he had not possessed before. "Sirius, I love you." 

His breath caught in his lungs as the words tumbled out. Anxiety over took his mind, speeding up his heart and making his muscles tighten. The significance of what he had just spoken weighed heavily in the thick silence that hung in the muggy air. Finally, when he could not take it anymore, Remus let out an exhausting sigh. He sank to his knees, wrapping his arms around them to bring them close to his chest. 

The night had remained silent. Only the crickets could have heard him speak his proclamation of love and they answered with their customary chirping. The breeze had completely faded, leaving Remus to seem like the sole living thing out in the verdant field. He relaxed his muscles, falling backwards into the deep, warm summer grasses. He breathed in the sweet, honeyed air deeply and opened his eyes to watch the stars. They danced and shimmer like they were nothing more than shimmering ripples in a sprawling black lagoon. One seemed to wink to another and then receive a delicate spasm in reply. It was like they had their own language. Remus felt a small smile sidle across his thin, pink lips as he beheld the beauty of the night sky. It was something often lost on him, as the stars could usually only be seen from Hogwarts during a full moon. His Lycanthropy forbade him from ever just appreciating nature on those nights. As his amber eyes searched the Heavens in hopes of lightening his heavy heart, he spotted a well-known constellation. 

"Ah, Sirius," he said serenely to no one in particular, "the Dog Star. The symbol of—of… my love." He inwardly cursed himself at stumbling over his own inner feelings. He sat up, propping his elbows on his knees and rubbed his sweaty face with his dusty hands. "Remus, Remus, Remus…" he scolded himself. "How are you ever going to admit to Sirius what you can barely admit to yourself aloud?" He parted his fingers so that he could see through the cracks and stared at the crest of the hill, which led down to the tall forests that resided behind the Potter Mansion, for really it was to big to be simply a "house" as James had insisted it was. He sighed to himself again, as his own realization dawned on him. "This is pointless," he muttered, and picked himself up to make the longish walk across the grounds back to the house.  He brushed the dust that had collected on his Muggle blue jeans and light blue tee shirt and began to walk carefully over the long grasses and weeds intermixing of the ground, since he had left his shoes back on the long porch. 

By the time he had made it to the point where he could hear his friends laughter resounding from within an upstairs window, sweat had drenched his face, chest and back. The thin shirt stuck to him, turning a deeper shade of blue with the added moisture. He stood still for a moment, listening to the cheerful sounds waiting him, even at this late hour. A loud, boisterous chuckle filled the air and he immediately recognized it as belonging to Sirius. He let out a deep breath, reconstructing his "We're-just-friends" attitude he knew he needed to compose and wiped the back of his hand across his brow to gather the sweat that was beginning to pour into his eyes. He remained an instant longer as his ears picked up more of Sirius's animated laughter, followed by the cute giggling of Lily. He never even noticed the old, white, wooden door creaking open. The voice that spoke awoke him from his silence.

"Planning to just stand out there?" came the drifting, soothing voice of James Potter. 

Remus jumped a bit, but once he saw it was James, he relaxed and smiled. "No…" he responded, moving towards his friend. "Just soaking everything in, I guess." 

James laughed as he said this, eyeing him up and down. "Well whatever you've been soaking up, it's not staying wherever you put it very well. You drenched!" He chuckled again and pinched at Remus's shirt.

Remus smiled, and let out his own weak chuckle. "Well it's hot out," he reminded James quietly. 

"Yeah. I noticed," replied the other, sticking his head outside of the doorframe to test the humid air. "And you were out there for a while. What were you doin'?" Remus shrugged and felt a blush creep upon his cheeks. Luckily they were so flushed already from the temp and the walk that it wasn't noticeable in the dark. "Well?" James persisted, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulders, leading him inside the cool house. 

"Just thinking."

"I see," James commented, not pressing the subject any further.  

He led Remus down the old, Victorian style halls and up the large, oak staircase. They again entered another large hall, which led them to the Wing of the large house that the Potters had prepared for the Marauders to stay. James's room was on the left, just after the first bathroom, which he was sharing with Sirius, a thing that Remus was both exceedingly relieved and exceedingly jealous about. Remus was sharing a room with Peter, as well as the bathroom that was adjacent to the spacious bedroom, and it was located across from James and Sirius's room. Lily, who was also staying with them, had her own bedroom and bath around the corner, just after the large room that much resembled that Common room back at school. It was laden with old couches and overstuffed chairs, and came with a very beautiful and very unused fireplace. The bay windows overlooked the large field Remus where had just been. James ushered him into that very room, where Sirius, Peter, and Lily were already.

Remus held his breath and hoped that he could deliver Sirius the desperate message he wanted to give him.   

To Be Continued… 

_Your Lovely Author's Customary End of Chapter Note: _This seems like it will be a least a couple of chapters. This is very spontaneous on my part and I haven't got a story line quite worked out yet. Hopefully I will continue it, which is where you, the Reader, will come into play. If you Review—and you'll want to review to tell me how much you love me (or more realistically how badly this chapter is written)—I will write more and add more chapters. There is more story. I know that. So even if you just say: _Fairly good— More story please,"_ I will get the hint. Okay! You know what to do now!

Please Review, and if you're kind, read some of my other works!


	2. Strangers in the Night

**Disclaimer: **Same as last time… So, no. I can't own Remus or Siri. ::frowns::

**Reviewer Thankees:** Whoo! I love you guys. This is one of the fastest stories of mine to be reviewed. Up fer not even a day and seven reviews. (Can you tell I'm easily pleased?) Yeah. So basically, I just wanted to say, "Thankee, kind Sir and/or Madame!" 

"Secrets of the Heart" 

By

Padfootwolfboy

Chapter Two: Strangers in the Night 

**S**irius—" Remus pronounced steadily into the silence of the room. "Sirius, can I t-t-talk to you?" 

He watched his reflection in the glass of the window that looked over a small pond. His face had changed from deep rouge on his cheeks to ghost white all in the course of saying seven little words. He sighed, turning away from the large window, and pushed his fingers exasperatedly through his now clean hair.

It was now either very late at night, or very early in the morning, depending on the point of view. The clock next to Remus's bed, which was illuminated by a small, floating, mint green candle, read 4:28 precisely and kept clicking off the seconds with a constant tick of the second hand. He watched the thin wire move three times the perimeter of the round face before he pulled himself back into conscious thought. 

The rest of the Potter house was asleep and had been now for at least the last hour and a half. Remus breathed out deeply and rubbed his eyelids, which were beginning to ache from being awake for so long. He would have gone to sleep with the others very gladly, except that his mind kept playing over the scene that had taken place just a few hours ago, right after Remus had returned back from his walk. 

The five of them had been sitting in the large, comfy room that the Potters had nicely provided them to hang out in. James and Lily hogged one couch by the fire to themselves, chatting quietly and only momentarily breaking their whispering to each other with a laugh or giggle. Peter was across from them, passed out with a book lying haphazardly as his rising and falling chest. That left Sirius and Remus, who had adjourned out onto the second story balcony, in hopes of giving James and Lily some privacy. 

At first they were simply talking about nothing, conversing in the way good friends do, without really getting any point across. But somewhere through their idleness of dialogue, Remus had grown strangely quiet. The warm night air, accompanied now by a soft, refreshing breeze, and the beautiful stars overhead made his "just-friends" act harder to maintain. Sirius seemed to sense something as wrong and asked in his clueless way. 

He leaned over the railing, ebon tendrils falling lusciously into his round face. His deep gray eyes reflected the brightness of the stars. He propped his chin up with one hands and let the other one dangle over the banister. He elevated his eyebrows and stared at Remus curiously. 

"What's wrong, Moony?" he asked gently, leaning towards Remus a bit.

Remus recoiled. "Nothing," he replied, gesturing with an away motion of his hand. 

"You sure?" Sirius persisted, doubt filling his tone. "You've been acting strange that last few nights. Going on walks and all until very late. We missed you at dinner today." Remus looked at him, painfully aware that he said, "We missed you," not "_I_ missed you." He turned his gaze back to the ground below. Sirius continued, turning his body around to lean his back against the railing. He moved closer next to Remus. "You can tell me if something's wrong, Remmie. I won't tell James. I mean if you're going to complain about his house elves cooking—I totally agree with you." The last comment received a light chuckle but nothing more. They remained in silence again until Remus spoke. 

"I guess I've just needed time to think," he said truthfully, glancing up at Sirius's handsome face. "I've had a lot on my mind." He intertwined his fingers and moved his hands nervously. It felt weird to be so close to Sirius. 

"I understand," Sirius responded, though he really didn't Remus knew. He went on to explain. "I was just beginning to worry about you, Moony. We all were." He placed what he thought was a comforting hand on Remus's shoulder, but the physical contact just made him tense. 

Sirius sensed his muscles tightening. "Gee, Moony," he commented, rubbing his tense shoulder with one hand. "Your back sure is tight. No wonder you're stressed. How can you relax with muscles this tight?" 

He slid his other hand across Remus's chest, pulling his around to face Sirius. He began to massage both shoulders. The rhythmic movements of Sirius strong hands against his sore muscles lulled his anxieties. He let Sirius's hands work around his shoulders and neck, soothing the strained muscles. His hands glided around, massaging all over Remus's shoulder region before moving down the back of his shirt collar to rub further down. 

The action startled Remus at first, bringing him to make the realization that Sirius's hands were down his shirt. His next awareness was that he was standing exceedingly close to Sirius, their torso pressed together. It was kind of like receiving a strange hug. Sirius only then comprehended his position in regards to Remus. They both stared at each other unsure, lips parted. 

As Sirius warm breath filtered onto his face, Remus suddenly experience the urge to kiss him. His full, flush lips were only inches away from him, and a slight lunge would create contact. He started to lean forward, and at first it seemed Sirius was receptive, nearly leaning forward himself, but quickly he pulled away.  Remus felt the warm hands being ripped from his back, propelling him forward. Luckily he found his footing before his balance left him and he tumbled to the ground. 

Sirius was staring at him, a look of pure mortification plastered across his colored face. Remus sensed the color draining from his, and knew he had made a mistake. Before he could even think up words to justify his actions, Sirius tore off through the room and into the hall. Peter stayed slumbering, and James and Lily only briefly poke their heads up from the couch to stare back at Remus. They gave him a curious look, but soon went back to their conversation. Remus soon retired to his own room for the night, after he was convinced Sirius wasn't coming back.  He had stayed there ever since then, waiting for Peter to come back, but soon convincing himself that Peter, once sleeping, usually stayed there for the night. He would have the room to himself that night to pace and contemplate his feelings towards Sirius.

He brushed the memory from his mind and went back to planning the conversation he knew was inevitable with Sirius in the morning. "Sirius—" he started again, in the same way he always started. His voice was quiet, but at least it wasn't trembling as it had been before. "Sirius, I need to talk to you. It's important—"

"What, Remus?" came a soft voice from the doorway. Remus spun around, completely taken by surprise. There stood Sirius, leaning casually on the doorframe. His longish, black hair was still pulled back into a loose ponytail, leaving strands of hairs to frame his pretty face. He was shirtless, wearing only a loose set of dark blue pajama bottoms, which were adorned with small dancing elephants. Remus remembered that Lily had bought them for him as a joke on his last birthday. He concentrated again on Sirius's expression. A small grimace was poured snuggly on his lips and his eyes glowed in the dim light. Remus gaped at him, breathing heavily. "What was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Uh… nothing," Remus sighed out, pushing the pillows away from the foot of the bed so he could sit on it. Sirius watched him intently; causing Remus to become quite aware of his own lack of clothing, as he was only wearing a pair of plaid, draw string pajama pants and a tight, gray undershirt. He looked at Sirius, and when he couldn't stand his piercing gray eyes any longer, he turned his gaze to the floor.   Sirius took that moment and walked across the room, nearer him. He stopped and leaned against the bureau, which was across the room from the bed. 

"But you said you had something important to tell me," he continued.

Remus's eyes scanned the floor fretfully, as if words were written on it. "Uh… I was just talking to myself."

"You sure?" The hint of doubtfulness was back in Sirius's voice. 

"Yeah. I'm sure," Remus answered breathlessly.

"Okay."

The subject was dropped abruptly, and neither boy spoke for the longest time. Sirius moved form his location by the bureau and began to wander around the room, looking at the different knickknacks and paintings. Remus watched him from the corner of his eyes.  After Sirius had scanned the entire room nearly three times, and not another word had passed between them, Remus got the courage to speak up. 

"Um, Sirius?" The black-haired boy looked up, placing down a little statue of a dragon. "What are you doing here?" Remus glanced at the clock to show him what he meant. "It's pretty late."

"Oh," he replied, shoving his hands into his pockets, causing his chest muscles to flex, which revealed his finely tones torso. "Pete's still snoozing on the couch and James and Lily are chatting in his room. He's showing her all his Quidditch memorabilia and trophies from competitions outside of school. She's fawning all over him." Sirius smiled slightly and chuckled. "It would be cute if it wasn't so obvious they liked each other and that they're totally to oblivious to it." He nodded and began to stroll leisurely around the room again. 

"That still doesn't explain why you're _here_," Remus commented.

"Oh. Right. Well, I felt like I was intruding, so I was going to go find the kitchen and get a snack, but then I saw your light on and I thought maybe you wouldn't mind some company. Am I wrong?"

"No!" Remus cried forcefully, blushed, and then reiterated in a quieter tone, "No."

"That's good," Sirius whispered in reply. He was standing by the glass door that led to the balcony. The stars were beginning to fade as morning started to pour in. There was another patch of semi-uncomfortable silence between them before Sirius slid open the door and stepped outside. Remus felt the breeze blow against his expose skin. It was much cooler than it had been when he was out, and he reasoned to himself that he should join Sirius on the balcony, if for no other reason than to get some fresh air. 

He padded across the carpet, and stepped out onto the hard floor. He slid the door close behind him. Sirius was leaning with his elbows propped up on the banister, like he was before earlier that night. He was staring out onto the hill, where Remus had been sitting only a few hours ago. It seemed like ages ago, though. He walked over and stood by Sirius, propping his own elbows onto the railing too. He supported his chin with one hand. The silence between them grew more tranquil. It was like a silent agreement had passed between them and they became close friends again. Finally someone spoke.  

"What do you think about… out there?" Sirius gestured to the field beyond them, staring out into its great expanse.

Remus thought for a moment before answering. "Life…" he said, feeling calmer than he had a few minutes ago. "Love, I guess."

"Love?" his companion chortled, one eyebrow rising in novelty. He shot a look at Remus, who blushed at the amazed response. "You in love with someone, Remus?" he asked lightly, but seriously. 

Remus sensed his cheeks and the tip of his nose flushing and he shrugged in reply when he could not find words at first. "I don't know… maybe."

"Maybe?" Sirius repeated. "Perhaps you're not in love then, if you don't know for sure. I always thought love was a sure thing." 

"It is!" Remus explained. "It is. It's just that… Well, I always thought of love as a two-way street. You're not really in love if you're not loved back. I don't think the person that I care about loves me back." He turned his head down, partially from embarrassment and shame.

Sirius stayed quiet for an instant before crying, "How could they not love you, Moony!" Remus was startled by the loud declaration. He recoiled and gawked at Sirius, eyes wide. The other continued, in the same loud tone he had used before. "You're great, Remus! Anyone would be lucky to have you! You're smart, and kind, and caring, and handsome, and you know how to just talk to people and calm them down, and…" Sirius squinted at Remus, the fresh sun beginning to hit his eyes. "You're just really a perfect guy, Remus," he said gently, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Anyone, and I mean _anyone_ would he privileged to be loved by you." He smiled slightly and his hand twitched nervously.

Remus smiled at him before going back to staring out to the landscape. The smile remained on his lips, even after Sirius had removed his hand.  "Thanks for the vote of confidence, Padfoot," he said casually after he had had sufficient time to reflect on Sirius's praises. 

"Eh, don't mention it," Sirius chuckled, somewhat nervously. He quickly glanced at Remus, and the sunlight highlighting the gold streaks in his silky hair. "I meant it, you know," he reassured, as if reading Remus's thoughts. "I meant every word."

"Thanks, Sirius," Remus responded meekly, genuinely flattered.

"Just remember," he said smiling. "We'll always be friends." He gave Remus a flash of his brilliant smile before also watching the bright colors streak across the sky with the sunrise. "So," Sirius continued, changing the subject. "You going to tell whoever the lucky person is that you love them?"

Remus face fell. "I don't know." He felt daunted by Sirius's _"We'll always be friends"_ comment. He wasn't sure if that was Sirius's way of telling him that although he thought highly of Remus, Sirius wasn't interested in him romantically. "I don't think I'm going to just yet." Sirius seemed downtrodden by Remus's decision, but that was only because, Remus assured himself, he felt that he didn't do a good enough job giving his friend confidence.  

Remus sighed to himself, as he and Sirius continued to watch the sunrise. After all, if they were going to just be "only friends," sometimes it seemed like it would be easier if they could just be strangers.  

_Author's Note at the End of the Second Chapter: _As promised, this story has more than just one chapter! I am continuing it—like a good little slash fanatic! Heh. But that is partially because of your excellent reviews! Now, since this worked in the first chapter, let's try it again. If you want me to continue, please just say, "_Padfootwolfboy, I love you. Please continue!"_ That's all there is to it! So now… go on go on. 

Please Review!!     


	3. Confrontations with Nail Polish

**Disclaimer: **Remus and Sirius are like a car. I may steer them, but JK Rowling invented them. 

**Author's Notes:** After a very long and painful hiatus (::sob sob::), I am _back_ to end your sufferings and provide more to this story! This seems, oddly enough, to me, to be my most popular story, judging from the reviews. So, it seems to me that, oddly enough, this is the story I should continue with first. And let's face it; it's pretty darn cute, yeah? And feel-good Remus/Sirius slash and suchly is most important. So pull on your pantaloons and get ready for more Remus and Sirius loveliness…. 

"Secrets of the Heart"

By

Padfootwolfboy

Chapter Three: Confrontations with Nail Polish 

**S**irius!" a dazed Remus Lupin gasped through the veils of sleep. He could hear a voice was whispering his name and he was nearly sure it belonged to Sirius. Who else was going to be in his room at this time of the morning? The confidence and ease of his assumption startled him as he realized just what finding Sirius half-naked in his bed in the wee hours of the morn could imply. A concern started somewhere inside of him and worked its way somehow to his brain, where the state of sleep began to wear off and the voice became clearer. It was male and saying his name viciously as a pair of hands tried to shake him awake. However, it wasn't Sirius's voice. The feeling of concern fueled into panic and Remus bolted upright as if he'd been woken from a nightmare and not the pleasant dream starring his favorite animagnus he had been really having. 

"Remus?" Peter questioned hesitantly, a bit rattled by his friend's sudden alertness. "You all right?" Remus turned his head jerkily to face him. Embarrassed rosy cheeks highlighted his high cheekbones against a backdrop of pale, clammy skin. His amber eyes stood out wide in their sockets, electrocuted with a vibrant flair that brought out the specks of gold in them. His lower lips sat trembling. If one were to only judge from the expression of his face and his rigid posture, it would seem like he had just witnessed a ghost and really not his friend of many years who also happened to be his rightful roommate. "It's just me," Peter mumbled meekly, eyeing the other boy warily as he panted until he could stabilize his breathing back to normal. "Remember?"

Remus sighed and gave a reassuring smile. "Sorry," he replied softly. "Bad, erm, dream." Peter nodded understandingly and mirrored the smile on his pudgy face. _The only thing bad about it,_ Remus thought to himself bitterly in a brief, rather un-Remus-like momemnt, _is that it had to end._ He sighed again more heavily this time as he prepared himself to once again accept the fact that it was only a dream and now he had to face the reality of "only friends." 

If Peter noticed the wistfulness, he made no action to show it. Instead he busied himself at digging around his trunk for a new pair of trousers to put on as he was still wearing the ones from the night before. It reminded Remus of his own need for clothing before he went down to join the others and so would Sirius— The thought of Sirius and his presence, or lack thereof, had escaped him before. He made the theatrical gesture of hurriedly looking about the room before landing his eyes on Peter, who was half in and half out of his overly large trunk, still rummaging for the pair of pants he wanted. "Where's Sirius?" Remus asked, confused.

"Oh, he's downstairs with James and Lily," Peter responded, waist deep in the black box. "They're nearly finished with breakfast." He emerged joyously with a pair of jeans that looked exactly like the pair he had on. Obviously there was some great difference that had escaped Remus because the boy was regarding the current pair with much scrutiny and the newer pair like an adorning child. Remus subdued a teasing grin at his friend's obvious affection for his clothes. 

"That's actually why I'm up here," Peter continued, walking over to the bathroom to change his pants. "You weren't coming down for breakfast and since I needed to change clothes anyway, the others had me send for you." He poked his head out of the doorway. "S'not like you to sleep so late. Usually you're up with the sun."

"Yeah," Remus chuckled, uneasily rubbing the back of his neck. He wasn't going to tell Peter that he _was_ up with the sun. It was actually just as the sun had finished rising that he and Sirius had both clambered into the same bed together and fallen asleep. "Long night," he gave by way of explanation. "Didn't sleep too well."

"Oh," Peter's answer echoed, still inside the bathroom. "Sirius was complaining about the same thing. Said he didn't really sleep all that well. It was strange too. He was up when I was up and that was at six in the morning." The newly dressed boy emerged from the room, grabbing his hairbrush and walking over to the mirror. 

"Six in the morning?" Remus reiterated, surprised. They had only climbed into bed at about five thirty and Remus had assumed he had fallen asleep as quickly as he did. Yet it seemed impossible for Sirius to only sleep for half an hour. The shortest time was an hour, an entire class period. He concluded that Sirius must have never gone to sleep. But because he knew that Sirius had been in bed with him, at least for some portion of time, meant that while he had been sleeping, Sirius had been watching him. Remus wasn't quite sure what to do with the deduction of events. He thought it best to consult Sirius about it, if he had enough courage to bring it up. Peter was still ignorant to the war of emotions he was fighting inside himself. When he had run the brush through his hair a few times, he continued the conversation. 

"It's been real weird, I'll tell you," he said, rounding about Remus's bed. "With you sleeping late, and Sirius being up so early, it's like you guys switched places. " He grinned broadly and left the bedroom, shouting for Remus to come down before either the house elves cleared all the food away or Sirius devoured it all. Remus figured that he should probably obey Peter's suggestion. Knowing Sirius, it was very likely that he would've eaten all the food by now, even with James' house elves preparing it non-stop.  He climbed out of the warm bed covers and went to join his friends before the morning was completely lost. 

As Remus slowly opened the door to the dining room, he saw his four friends all gathered at one end of the table. Peter was chewing on the remained of the last muffin from the basket of freshly baked muffins that sat on the table in the middle of all of them while Sirius reclined in his chain across from him. James was sitting at the head of the table with Lily comically leaning over him, teasing him in a whisper about something. A bottle of nail polish sat by his right hand. Remus wasn't sure what was going on, but James seemed very happy for once in his life to get away from Lily and enthusiastically yelled out his name. 

"Remus!" James cried, causing Lily to straighten and look in the direction James was screaming. Sirius also glanced his way. Remus gave and weak smile and fought back a blush before it found a way to his face. Sirius gave him a similar smile in return, that seemingly all he could muster. His eyes were bright but tired from his lack of sleep. It was strange to see Sirius without some passionate emotion spreading over his face. James, in the meantime, was very agitated and quickly dragged his friend over to the table, guiding him into an open spot near Sirius. 

"You're just in time to eat breakfast with us!" he cried, delighted not just by Remus's presence but also from being away from whatever Lily was tormenting him with. He then caught glimpse of the empty muffin basket and his eyes trailed up to Peter. His cheerful grin turned into a somewhat scolding smirk. "Or you _were_ in time for breakfast until Pete ate the last muffin." Peter smiled sheepishly. "Oh well. No matter," James said again, grasping Remus's shoulder certainly. "I can just get one of the house elves to make us some more. Hold on." 

He began to walk away to fetch one of the many house elves the Potter family had before Remus called him back. "No, actually, James, it's okay. I'm not that hungry anyway." He smiled to reassure the questioning look James gave him. "I guess all that sleeping made me loose my appetite." He shot a small glance at Sirius who seemed to be avoiding his eyes. Another blush was rising so he looked away again. "I think we should just get on with whatever we were going to do today." 

This time Lily chimed in. "That sounds like an excellent idea!" she exclaimed giddily nearly. James gave a loud gulp as her green eyes sparkled mischievously his way. "I think we should just get on with today's plans if Remus is sure he doesn't want anything to eat." She looked to Remus for his last chance to change his mind. He shook his head no if clarification. "All right then!" she said smiling somewhat devilishly. She looked back at James, who kept inching towards the door. "Potter your mine!"

With that declaration, James immediately disappeared through the door with Lily fast on his heels. She had taken the bottle of nail polish with her. Remus looked to Peter first for explanation but he only shrugged, smiling, and chased after them, leaving Remus alone at the table with Sirius. _Now is the best time to talk to him, I guess_, Remus thought to himself glumly. He smiled an awkward smile at Sirius who was again reclined in the chair with his eyes closed. 

"I heard you didn't sleep to well last night…" he started carefully, seriously. 

The tone of his voice opened Sirius's gray eyes. They trailed down to his. "No. I didn't really," he said with the same so of caution. 

"Why?" Remus asked, feeling his muscles tightened. 

"Thinking maybe," Sirius replied, eyes closing again thoughtfully. "Thinking about love, maybe." A grin was beginning to tug at his lips, doubling Remus's anxieties. "Thinking about you and love, actually." Remus felt his stomach twist itself into a million and one butterflies. He doubted Sirius would really say what he wanted him too, but he secretly still hoped he would. He remained silent, drawing Sirius to explain himself further. The left gray eye opened and studied him, hopeful expression on his face. "I was wondering just who you had deemed special enough that they could make you love them." He opened the right one and stared at Remus seriously for a second. Remus tried very hard for a second not to move, though he wasn't sure why. 

The grin finally broke on Sirius's face. "Why don't we go see what Lily has done to James with that nail polish?" he asked simply, changing the subject abruptly. Remus nodded, not knowing how else to move his body, and both left breakfast with nothing resolved. 

When they reached the hallway that held their bedrooms, they saw Peter standing just out of the doorframe to the large Common Room they all shared. Sirius was raising his hand to call to him but Peter shushed him by putting his finger to his lips. He went back to watching whatever was going on it the room. Sirius and Remus rushed to see what it was. 

James and Lily were lying on one cough together. A bottle of pink nail polish was a sitting on a table besides them, open. Lily was holding the applicator in her hand. The hand on the arm James had wrapped around her had three pink, messily painted nails. All but the thumb and the forefinger were done. Remus couldn't see his other hand but it was very clear that whether it was painted or not didn't matter. James and Lily were kissing! 

Whether or not it had been their very first kiss, Remus didn't know, but he did know it was one of the firsts and he knew how much both of them liked each other. He held back the cheer for James that was forming in his throat. He understood the pain of longing to kiss someone very well. He also suppressed the want to look at Sirius, to see how he felt about his best friend finally getting the girl he wanted, to know if Sirius understood at all the longing to kiss someone he couldn't. But by Sirius's sudden whoop of joy, it was clear he was as happy for James and Remus was. 

The cheer spooked Lily and James away from each other. A streak of red painted their faces as they saw the three standing in the doorway, Sirius rooting James on, Peter looking embarrassed himself, and Remus softly smiling knowingly. Lily climbed off of James slowly and James himself then slid of the couch. He ruffled his hair and grinned back at his friends. Lily screwed the cap back on the bottle and walked to a table out of view as James neared the door.

"Lily was just trying to paint my fingernails," he said by way of embarrassed vindication. A large smile was still on his lips.

"I see that," Sirius beamed at him suggestively. James playfully pushed him in the arm and Sirius shoved him playfully back. His happiness for him was understood. The four of them stood there quietly until Lily came back into view. She was holding several more colors of nail polish. 

"So whose next?" she asked, smile growing larger as three faces dropped into slight fear. 

_Author's Note:_ As I did promise, I came back. It's been several months, but I did come back. Now if you review like I know all you good ickle slash fanatics will, I promise to come back with a fourth chapter very soon that has more Remus and Sirius slashy instead of Lily/James such. (Not that I mind so much the Lily/James, I just prefer the Remus/Sirius moments.) So… Review! And yes, you must make up your own review this time. Mwahahahahahahahahaha! Okay. I stop. ::Drives her slash-mobile away with Sirius and Remus in the back seat::  


	4. Russle and Tussle of Feminism

**Disclaimer: **This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

**Author's Notes:** Look. Look at what you made me do, you lovely, persistent reviewers. I wrote more. I want you to know that this caused me great pain. I mean, after not updating this story in—how long has it been? Over _two_**years**! Merlin's knees—it is very hard to get back into the writing cycle. But I did it for you, my sweet, sweet reviewers, because you begged and pleaded and begged and pleaded and begged and some threatened, but basically you all asked so nicely that I thought I should give you something. After all, the pups do deserve a little happiness and even though I utterly loathe fluff at this point I thought I should give them a break as well. So. At long last, I present to you, chapter four!

"Secrets of the Heart"  
By  
Padfootwolfboy  
Chapter Four: The Russle and Tussle of Feminism

**S**irius!" Remus called frantically. He turned a corner of one of the Potter's winding halls. An empty tunnel with identical wooden doors greeted him. "Sirius!" he called again, allowing his voice to stretch down the obscenely long hall. There was still no reply. _What could have happened to him_, Remus thought anxiously.

It wasn't like Sirius to simply disappear quietly, not a word to anyone. That is, of course, unless he was up to something. Surely, though, he wouldn't be planning a prank of any sort without alerting at least James to the idea. Except that James was with Lily, admiring how their fingernails clashed so nicely with each other's. Perhaps Sirius was with Peter in the kitchen, bothering the house elves for food. Sirius did have an insatiable appetite. It was plausible. Peter _had_ been missing for nearly the same amount of time as Sirius. They were probably together, which meant Remus had climbed three flights of stairs and scoured a massive amount of rooms with nothing to show for it.

He decided a nice, soothing mid-day snack would do him well. To the kitchen is where he would travel.

Down two flights of stairs, walking past his bedroom (since the only way he could orient himself in such a giant house was to begin from a starting point he knew), he saw a light creeping from under the door. On a whim—because he had looked everywhere else, so why not here too—Remus called, "Sirius?"

Again there was no reply. Remus slowly pushed open the door to find a very asleep, very disheveled Sirius Black sprawled on his bed. He lay on his back, his arms outstretched like wings. His fingertips were stained with ink and his fingernails were a glittery silver. Remus let out a chuckle and went to sit on the bed by his friend. Sirius grunted as Remus' weight transferred onto the mattress, rolling the exhausted boy against Remus' side. He nudged Sirius' shoulder.

"Hey. Hey, Padfoot." Sirius grunted again and murmured something that sounded distinctly like "peanut butter and bologna sandwiches". Remus laughed again. "Yeah, come on, food. Get up."

"Nngf," Sirius sighed. "Gotta take off th' egg costume first."

"Okay, you take that off," Remus replied consolingly, trying to smother the smile from his face, "and I'm going to keep bothering you 'til you get up."

"Mmrg," Sirius agreed and suddenly peeled off his shirt.

Remus sat looking daze. Sirius, the boy he professed to love—if he could ever get those stupid words out of his mouth without sounding like Peter—was suddenly lying on a bed with him shirtless. That was, Sirius Black, _the_ Sirius Black, was lying next to him, poor little Remus Lupin, with no shirt, bronzed muscle in sight. Remus couldn't help but stare.

Sirius poke one bleary eye open and caught him watching him. "Moony?" he asked tentatively, his voice still groggy from sleep. "You okay there? You're eyes have gone all funny."

Hearing him speak, Remus seemed to snap to. "Er, I, yeah," Remus responded, still dazed and feeling groggy himself. His eyes met Sirius'.

Sirius sat and stretched. Then, realized, belatedly, that he lacked one shirt. "Why's my shirt off?" he asked, finding it lying next to his left hip. He seemed to have no intention of replacing it.

"Nrgf, um, er. You took it off," Remus said, quite eloquently he thought.

"Oh." Sirius studied the shirt for a moment then his eyes narrowed at Remus. "You were secretly trying to rape me or anything while I took a nap, were you?"

Remus shook his head adamantly, eyes wide, though he had to admit the thought crossed his mind.

"Yeah. I'm so sure. Don't give me that innocent little Prefect act, Moony. I know you. You're viscous." Remus tried to explain what happened, to deny that it wasn't act, he was an innocent little Prefect for the most part, but Sirius seemed comfortable to simply stumble on with his imperfect logic. "Well. Fair's only fair." With that, he leaned over and lifted Remus' shirt above his head.

Now they both were shirtless, sitting on Remus' bed. Remus felt a blush rise from his stomach and decorate his cheeks. He was sure his entire body was completely red in embarrassment.

"There. That's better," Sirius said decidedly. He leveled his gaze at Remus for a moment before moving his eyes down to Remus' fingernails. "That's a lovely shade of green Lily got on you," he commented smugly.

If it were possible, Remus blushed more.

"Um, oh yes. It is," he said meekly, studying the lime color of his nail with more scrutiny then they deserved. He had spent the hour after Lily had finished with him examining them and felt with prim sincerity that he had found every interesting detail about them already. His eyes drifted again to Sirius' ink stained fingers, with the glossy coating of silver and glitter. "That's quite a lovely look on you as well," he said, not without some contempt.

Sirius looked at his nails as if he just remembered them—in fact, he might well have just remembered. He studied them with abstract amusement before smiling shyly and holding his hand up his face. "Lily thought they went with my eyes. What to do think?"

Remus didn't know what to think. The color was dead on, but the glitter subtracted from any beauty it might have brought out in Sirius. He looked rather ridiculous sitting there with glitter on his nails.

Remus's expression must have tipped him off before Sirius snorted. "My sentiments exactly. Not a very manly thing, glitter is." He turned his hand to study his nails again. "At least," he said as if in serious contemplation, "not for a manly man like me. Though I do suppose it could bring out my feminine side." His eyes once more rose to meet Remus' and a cheeky grin was shining through them. "What to do think, Moony?" Sirius inquired, barely hiding his smile through the self-imposed seriousness. "Do you think I need to get in touch with my more feminine side?"

He tried to imagine Sirius doing just that. Immediately the image of Sirius with a pink bow in his hair, skipping merrily through the Great Hall erupted in his head. He was wearing a matching skirt. Remus' mind soured at the idea and he answered Sirius is complete honesty.

"Frankly, Padfoot, I think it will be an absolute horror for all us to see you get in touch with the more feminine aspect."

Sirius barked a loud laugh at Remus' comment and the proceeded to tackle him into the bed. A scuffle ensued between the two shirtless boys. Limbs were pinned, fingers were battened (accidentally, of course) and knees and elbows found their way into unnecessary places. At one point Sirius tried sitting on Remus to stop him from squirming but Remus simply bucked him off and curled behind him, forcefully pining his arms to his chest and locking his legs with his own. Sirius was trapped. Remus was the clear victor.

Breathlessly laughing, Sirius turned his head to look at Remus. His hair was disheveled and his eyes bright. The flecks of gold swimming in the rich pool of brown never looked so alive… or beautiful. Sirius caught his breath and then let it out slowly, calmingly, but his body remained anything but calm. It tightened in Remus' grip. Slowly, the atmosphere of the room was changing.

"Moony…" was all Sirius could whisper before Remus leaned over and pressed his mouth to Sirius'.

_End Author's Note:_ Er, so that wasn't too terribly painful, was it? It's very hard to have the same atmosphere after not writing this for two years. I tried to keep Remus and Sirius consistent, but I think they changed a little. And I do hope the segue wasn't too bad. I really didn't know how to make the transition. I forgot what I was planning on doing. Never fear! I still know the plot of the story and I do believe two more chapters are needed before completion. Now. I'm not promising them right away. You may be forced to wait another two years, I'm not sure. I don't even know if this still has an audience. In any case, I would just like to say: THANK YOU from the very bottom of my degraded, black, withered soul. You guys really have made me feel special.

Please review.


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